Do you have someone in your life who holds you accountable? We all need people to encourage and/or support us whether it’s a walking partner, work associate, or friend. Years ago, my husband and I agreed to be that for each other in many areas, but for me, the most important is our spiritual journey. I often don’t need him to say a word because he leads best by example. However, he’s only human, and as much as I tend to place him on a pedestal, he’s flawed like the rest of us. And unlike me, his struggles aren’t so visible.
I’m sure this is a generalization, so please give me a little grace if I step on any toes, but I think women tend to process things more verbally than men. Am I wrong? I talk things out, and because of this, there isn’t much of my struggle that stays locked inside. Chris, on the other hand, is a silent sufferer. This makes me feel as if I have so much more to overcome than he does, and if he truly knew who I was deep at my core, he wouldn’t love me like he does. How’s that for transparency?
I want to be the person my husband sees, but I also see my sin. I see the internal battle to do what God calls me to do when I’d rather have my own way. It reminds me of the scripture in Matthew 21:29-31—What do you think? A man had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ The boy answered, ‘I will not.’ But later he had a change of heart and went. The father went to the other son and said the same thing. This boy answered, ‘I will, sir’ but did not go. Which of the two did his father’s will?
It’s pretty obvious, even if you don’t continue reading the scripture, the one who obeyed was the first son. I’m a lot like that first son. I don’t jump into obedience (as my husband often does) but battle with rebellion before I come to terms with doing the right thing. I don’t want to be like me, though. I want to be more like my husband.
The problem with my faulty thinking (as if there is just one thing) is that I then view my value through the eyes of someone other than Christ. And no matter how much I love and respect my husband, no one but Jesus should be the mirror through which I see myself. It can be confusing and inaccurate if we allow to others’ opinions of who we are to be more important than that of our Creator.
One of my go-to devotionals is Paul David Tripp’s New Morning Mercies, and I’ve shared pieces of it in the past. As it so often does, it spoke into my frustration the very morning I’d been praying through some of these issues. The snippet at the head of this particular devotion (on September 22nd) is There is no need to be paralyzed by the opinion of another. God gives you the ultimate tool of self-assessment, the mirror of his Word. Doesn’t it just amaze you when the Lord speaks into your dilemma like that? I don’t know why I’m surprised when it happens because it’s a common occurrence for me. And that wasn’t the only confirmation I received.
Chris and I had been at odds with each other. He had been pushing me to do something I didn’t want to do. It was a good thing, so I wasn’t sure why I hesitated, but I did. And the more he pushed, the more guilty I felt about pushing back, because in my mind, he’s clearly the better person. What did it say about me that I hesitated to do this “good” thing? Of course, my default was to then be angry with him for not understanding what I, myself, didn’t understand. Or maybe it was for holding up a mirror to my selfishness.
Rather than focus on my Bible study that morning, I was battling my conscience. I prayed to know why I hesitated, and why I couldn’t just do the right thing without it always being such a tug-of-war. Was I ever going to grow in the grace of Jesus, or would I continually be stuck in the mire of my sins? I turned to Romans in my women’s devotional Bible, and guess what? The devotional tied to Romans 5: 1-11 was titled, He Loved us Then; He’ll Love Us Now.
The author of the devotional (Dane C. Ortlund) pointed out that Paul said roughly the same thing three times in versus 1-5—Christ died for us while we were still sinners. “If God did that back then, when you had zero interest in him, then what are you worried about now?” And further into the passage, the author hit the nail right on the head for me. “He suffered for us when we were failing, as orphans. Will he sternly cross his arms over our failures now that we are his adopted children? His heart was gentle and lowly toward us when we were lost. Will his heart be anything different toward us now that we are found?”
“He loved us in our mess then. He’ll love us in our mess now. Our very agony in sinning is the fruit of our adoption. A cold heart would not be bothered. We are not who we were.”
As the truth of these words poured a balm of hope over my broken heart, Chris spoke into my thoughts. “I’m sorry I made you feel bad. I should have allowed you to make that decision on your own, especially since it didn’t come from the Holy Spirit. I don’t even know why I was making such a big deal out of it. You are hesitating for a reason, and I need to not insert myself into this situation.” I believe even if what he was pushing me to do wasn’t of the Holy Spirit, his speaking into that during my battle was.
To say God is good is the understatement of the century. He is always faithful to meet us in our need; we just need to be quiet before Him, humble our hearts, and be willing to listen. We are sinners saved by the grace of Jesus Christ, and that is a gift we cannot earn, and we cannot lose. And this sin-struggle we face will continue until the Lord brings us home. I hope you can rest in that as I have and praise Him for His faithfulness.
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Thank you for this reminder. I shared this post on my personal Facebook page and put in a plug for your books as well!!
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Thank you so much. You’re a treasure!